Health Grieving Process – Coming to Terms With Death

My Father’s Final Journey

In 2002 my ancestor appropriate amateur bypass surgery. My ancestor had astringent affection ache and his affection beef was acutely weak. My father’s surgeon was extraordinary! In fact, my ancestor and President Clinton had the aforementioned surgeon. My father’s anaplasty was a success. All his doctors alleged my dad the phenomenon man. My father’s doctors anticipation his activity assumption would be 5 years. My father’s aggregation of doctors were so wrong. The doctor’s had no abstraction the will, fight, and assurance my ancestor had to action for his life.

In 2011 my ancestor was diagnosed with clarify prostate blight which metastasized to his bone. My ancestor told his ancestors the doctor said his activity assumption was two years. Again, my ancestor exhausted the odds. For years I acquire been in abnegation about my father’s bloom and decline. In fact, I am just acumen it now how ailing my ancestor was all these years. He consistently seemed to exhausted the allowance and I too like his doctors believed he was a phenomenon man.

In aboriginal September of 2016, I went to Florida to appointment my parents. I was so aflame to absorb a anniversary at their home adequate our time together. My parents and I had fun aggravating new restaurants, we enjoyed traveling to the movies, arena cards, and a lot of of all we enjoyed talking with anniversary added for hours about annihilation and everything.

This time if I accustomed my ancestor was not activity well. In general, my ancestor had a abridgement of energy, it was difficult for him to advisedly move his body, additionally, and he was adversity from astringent aback pain. I acquire my ancestor ability acquire doubtable his blight was avant-garde by the bulk of affliction he had in his back. My ancestor did not ambition to yield any added analysis for his prostate blight aback he was told that his Zytigra medication was his endure hope.

I asked my ancestor on several occasions to let me yield him to the hospital but he refused. I didn’t stop, I begged and pleaded with my ancestor to let me yield him to the hospital. As usual, my dad banned and said, “Let me see if I am activity bigger in a few days.” My ancestor was a tough, stubborn, and able man. I anticipate that is why he exhausted the allowance and was accepted as the phenomenon man.

I asked my ancestor to go with me to aces out a computer I was affairs him for his 81st birthday. If my ancestor said he did not ambition to go, I knew something was wrong. He admired computers. He was one of the aboriginal humans I knew who bought a PC to cream the internet. My dad was consistently avant-garde of the times, he was a accurate visionary. If the internet aboriginal launched my dad predicted the internet would be huge and technology advancements would change how the apple would conduct business.

I went to Best Buy abandoned to buy my ancestor an all-in-one computer for his birthday. The acquaintance was not the aforementioned afterwards my father. We would acquire had fun acquirements about new technology and selecting his altogether gift.

I brought the computer aback to my parent’s home and set it up in my father’s man cave, his den. He was so blessed and beholden to acquire a new computer with all the accretion and whistles. Still, my dad was not himself, he hardly surfed the internet or played internet games. I was ailing with worry.

The next day, I assuredly assertive my ancestor to absorb some time together, we went to his admired Jewish Cafeteria in Delray Beach, Florida. On the drive to the deli, my ancestor hardly spoke. This was awful unusual. My ancestor was never absent for words. We consistently enjoyed absorbing conversations and could allocution about anything. If my ancestor assuredly did speak, he said “I wrote my own Eulogy and I ambition you to affiance me that one of my accouchement or all of my accouchement apprehend it if it is time.” My ancestor told me he did not ambition a Rabbi who was a drifter to allocution about him and his life. My ancestor approved to abundance me and said, “Now I apprehend to be about for absolutely some time.”

I showed little affect while my ancestor was talking about his Eulogy I did not ambition to appearance my ancestor how acutely crestfallen I was at the anticipation of his passing. It was something I anticipation about generally and was stricken with avant-garde affliction for abounding years.

My ancestor and I were actual close, I absolutely cared for him. He never advised me. I anticipation that was amazing abnormally aback I am gay (I don’t like the chat lesbian). I am in a 15 year accord with a woman. My ancestor admired my accomplice and advised her like a daughter. Accuracy is, I am actual lucky, both my parents acquire my accord and amusement my accomplice like a third daughter. My accomplice advised my parents actual able-bodied and had a abundant accord with my mom and dad.

By mid-September my ancestor was crumbling and assuredly went to the hospital. I asked him why he did not let me yield him to the hospital if I was there aboriginal September. My ancestor responded, “I did not ambition to ruin your vacation.” I told him I acquire been abashed and that I ambition he would acquire let me yield him to the hospital.

My ancestor was told by the hospital doctor he had a cool anemic affection and there was annihilation they could do for him. My father’s cardiologist disagreed with the hospital doctor prognosis. My father’s cardiologist administered medication to advance his affection pumping action and advance his claret pressure. My ancestor was in the hospital for a anniversary and afresh off to rehab. He did able-bodied in rehab, told his ancestors he acquainted bigger and stronger than he has in a continued time. My ancestor was in adjust for a month. He came home stronger and maintained his action for several months.

His bloom started to abatement in January 2016. By February he absent absorption in his circadian activities, food, and even talking to his family. It was ablaze something was wrong. I chose to abjure it, instead I anticipation my ancestor may acquire the flu.

In February my ancestor took himself to Delray Hospital area they told him his belly and claret plan were fine, but his potassium akin was low. The doctor gave him a few potassium pills and beatific him home. I acquainted adequate that my ancestor did not acquire signs of avant-garde prostate blight or CHF. He alone had a low potassium level.

However, weeks afterwards that appointment to the hospital my ancestor was just not himself. I alleged my ancestor every morning, my ancestor consistently told me how abundant he admired our morning calls. Yet, if I alleged my ancestor he would say I just don’t acquire the activity to talk, I am giving your mother the phone. That is if I knew, something was just not right. My mother told me don’t feel badly, “your ancestor is not talking to anyone that calls.” I didn’t apprehend it at the time, but it is now ablaze to me that my ancestor was boring analysis from the active apple and advancing to transition.

In March my ancestor complained that afterwards accepting up in the morning, abrasion his teeth and bistro breakfast he had no activity for the blow of the day. He complained about this for weeks. He went aback to the hospital in March. Again, the hospital agents doctor told my ancestor there is annihilation they can do for him. Again, my father’s cardiologist disagreed and gave my ancestor intervenes medication to admonition advance his affection pumping function. This time the medication did not work.

At this point, my ancestor asked my brother to appear and appointment him in the hospital.

My brother lives in CA, I do not anamnesis my ancestor anytime allurement my brother to appointment him in the hospital. At that point, the ancestors should acquire accepted something was actively wrong. It appeared that my ancestor had amateurish business with my brother and capital to allocution with him in the accident he never fabricated it home from the hospital.

My ancestor was in the hospital for a week, if it was time for my ancestor to be absolved the auberge agents greeted my ancestors and explained my ancestor was a applicant for hospice. Auberge explained my ancestor would be in his own home with auberge care. We all cool out! We did not ambition to acquire my ancestor was at the end of his activity and no medical analysis could admonition him.

When auberge told my ancestor he had to assurance a DNT Order he cool out! Afterwards abundant deliberation, my ancestor cautiously active it. The auberge agents explained my ancestor could abolish auberge affliction if his bloom improved, his diagnoses changed, or for any added reason. I was still in abnegation cerebration my ancestor would animation aback like he consistently did.

My ancestor alternate home mid-March beneath auberge care. The aboriginal anniversary my ancestor alternate home my sister flew from NJ to Florida to admonition my mother affliction for my father. I alleged my parents several times a day to see how my ancestor was doing. My sister said he is not accepting better, “dad is bed ridden, about eating, and sleeping abundant of the time.

My sister abreast she has to fly aback to NJ next anniversary to tend to her business. My sister is self-employed, divorced, and is the sole provider. My sister told me I acquire to affliction for my parents aback she has to acknowledgment to home. On Sunday night I alleged my ancestor to acquaint him I will be there on Monday. My mother answered the buzz and said my ancestor did not ambition to talk, in the accomplishments I heard my ancestor speaking loudly, “I am dying”. My affection was breaking but still in denial.

I accustomed at my parents’ home on Monday morning. If I opened my parent’s foreground aperture I saw my father’s aid blame my ancestor in a caster chair. My ancestor looked up and saw me, he gave me a big smile. I was so animated to see him, I gave him a big smile aback and gave him a kiss on his cheek. I took his smile as a assurance he was accepting better. I was acquisitive for any assurance that my ancestor was not adverse the end of his life.

The accuracy is, I never saw my ancestor in that condition. He could not yield affliction of himself, he about could eat, and he was bed ridden. I could see my ancestor was shutting himself off from the active world. I no best was in denial. At night, I would go into the bedfellow bedchamber and cry myself to sleep. I prayed to G-d for a miracle.

The afterward day, my ancestor asked me to get a archetype of his Eulogy which was in his board draw in his den. With tears in my eyes I larboard my father’s bedside to get his Eulogy. I opened the board draw and begin and envelope that read, “Do not accessible until?” I opened the envelope and begin a 10 page Eulogy my ancestor wrote. I wiped the tears from my eyes and alternate to my father’s bedside with his Eulogy. My ancestor asked me to put a archetype of his Eulogy in his nightstand draw and to affiance him that the Eulogy would be apprehend by one or all of his accouchement and his granddaughter if she capital to apprehend a allocation of it. My ancestor told me he captivated me answerable to accomplish this happen. I promised him I will accomplish it appear and that his wishes will be agitated out. My ancestor agilely thanked me.

I just could not acquire this tall, and able man could not affliction for himself. It fabricated no sense, my ancestor did not even attending sick. He absent a little weight but annihilation drastic. My ancestor still looked handsome. My ancestor had all his wits, he was intelligent, sharp, and quick witted, and charming. I could not acquire my ancestor was bed ridden yet he was alert. My ancestor even watched all the political news, and political debates while auspicious on Donald Trump for President. All I can say, my ancestor and I did not accede on everything.

My brother accustomed afterwards that week. At that point, my ancestor was sleeping a lot of of the time, about eating, developed a cough, and his urine was aphotic tea color. At the time, I did not apprehend these were all signs of abutting death. Once my ancestor passed, I apprehend abundant admonition from auberge on the afterlife and dying process. I abstruse my father’s affection were all allotment of him abutting death. I question, why his doctor didn’t acquaint his ancestors or why the auberge agents didn’t acquaint the ancestors what to expect. I feel so brainless and uninformed. A lot of of all, if I would acquire accepted he was abutting afterlife I could acquire been bigger able to affliction for him airy and mentally. Instead, I was allurement him if he acquainted bigger than if he was in the hospital and can he advance himself a little harder to get better. I did get to acquaint my ancestor he meant the apple to me, he responding by saying, “and you to me” and that took all his strength.

On Saturday, March 19, 2016 my brother had to alarm 911 to the house. My ancestor was in a blackout like state. His amoroso levels were alarmingly low. The paramedics gave my ancestor insulin and took my ancestor by ambulance to the hospital. My brother did not leave my father’s side, he collection to the hospital in the ambulance with my father.

My ancestor was accepted to the auberge assemblage in the Delray hospital. Aboriginal affair on Sunday morning, March 20, 2016 my brother, mother, and I went to appointment my father. He had an amazing rebound. If we absolved into his hospital allowance he said this is the nicest allowance I anytime had, “large with a adept bath suit, abominably I can’t use it”. My ancestor consistently maintained his acceptable faculty of humor. My ancestor was up and talking and even asked for something to eat. His grandson came to visit. My ancestor batten with us for hours. He talked about how abundant he admired golf, enjoyed accepting a pilot, and how abundant he admired his family. He batten about how appreciative he was of us and how he anticipation his ancestors were altruistic acceptable people. Afterwards that night, we kissed him goodbye and said we will see you tomorrow.

On Monday, March 21st, the auberge agents was administering affliction medication to accumulate my ancestor comfortable. My ancestor was not accomplishing as able-bodied as he was the day before. He was beneath articulate and did not acquire abundant of an appetence but he did administer to eat two clabber donuts. He admired clabber donuts, and chocolate. My ancestor was the ultimate clutter aliment junkie. Surprisingly, he was boilerplate build-not overweight.

While we were visiting my ancestor he told me he saw ablaze admirable amethyst balls, and asked if I see the aforementioned things he sees. I said no, instead I should acquire asked dad what do you see? I was in a fog, I could not acquire my ancestor was in auberge and the end of activity was near. My ancestor told us he did not ambition to action any best and if he did he didn’t anticipate it would accomplish a difference. Clearly, my ancestor was acquainted that he was adverse the end of his life, he was calm and accepting. He told me some time ago that he was not abashed of death. Unlike myself who is abashed of afterlife and accident admired ones. His calm address was abating to the family.

On Tuesday, March 22nd, no one was able to appointment with my father. My brother and I had to fly aback home and my mother was home cat-and-mouse for my ancestor Zytigra (cancer medication) supply which she had to assurance for. I acquainted so abominably that my ancestor had no visitors. That day, my sister kept on calling his allowance but my ancestor did not answer. Finally, that black my sister batten to my father, she said he did not complete like himself. He was hardly agitated and assume confused.

On Wednesday, March 23, 2016 my mother sensed something was amiss because my ancestor did not buzz her in the morning. Every time my ancestor was in the hospital or adjust he alleged my mother every morning. I was so abashed I could not alarm the hospital. My accomplice alleged the hospital to allocution to the nurses to see how my ancestor was doing. The assistant abreast my accomplice that my ancestor was rapidly declining. My accomplice alleged my brother to admonition of my father’s accelerated decline. My brother alleged my mother and beatific an Uber car to aces her up and blitz to the hospital to get to my ancestor afore it was too late.

My sister and her son accustomed at the hospital 11:30 am. I alleged my sister to see how my ancestor was doing. My sister told me by the time she accustomed my father’s eyes were closed, he was unresponsive, and appeared to be in a coma. I acquire heard audition is the endure affair to abort afore death. Thus, I asked my sister to apprehend the letter I wrote to my ancestor which I placed on his hospital tray. My sister apprehend the letter she wrote to my ancestor and the letter I wrote to my father. I acquire my ancestor heard all the admirable things we had to say about him. We told him in our belletrist how he was our rock, how understanding, kind, able and a admiring he was to his absolute family. My sister just accomplished account our belletrist if my ancestor anesthetized on March 23, 2016 at 12:10 pm. The ancestors was abreast the could cause of my father’s afterlife was astringent affection disease.

My sister afterwards told me about a minute afterwards she accomplished account both of our belletrist my ancestor chock-full animation and affably anesthetized away. My father’s eyes were closed, he chock-full breathing, and he just agilely transitioned.

My mother accustomed at the hospital anon afterwards my ancestor passed. My mother, sister, and nephew sat and captivated my father’s easily and visited with him for hours. I acquire they helped my ancestor alteration peacefully. I ambition I would acquire been there to say my final goodbye. I ambition I was there to acquaint my ancestor how abundant I admired him and admired him. I will never get over how abominably I feel about not accepting with my ancestor if he passed.

To this day, I catechism was it affection ache or prostate blight that took my father’s life. My ancestor PSA levels were ascent but did not acquire all-encompassing analysis to see if the prostate blight spread. I accept it doesn’t amount which ache took my father’s life. I bethink in my father’s Eulogy he was acquisition that Affection Ache took his activity not prostate cancer. Aback my father’s afterlife was quick and peaceful I acquire it was affection abortion that took his activity not cancer. My ancestor was brave, he took all is illnesses alluringly and hardly complained. The alone complaint he had appear the end of his activity was the affliction he was experiencing and abridgement of energy.

My father’s wife, children, grandchildren, and added ancestors associates accustomed on March 24, 2016 to appearance his physique at the abbey and say goodbye. We all stood about my father’s body, affected him, kissed him, and said our goodbyes. The ancestors absolved out of the abbey captivation anniversary added and crying. My brother went aback to appointment my ancestor to say his clandestine farewell. This day seemed surreal. I acquainted like I was accepting a daydream and just capital to deathwatch up. It was a daydream but not the affectionate you acquire if you are sleeping, I was advanced alive and it was all too real, shocking, and heartbreaking.

My father’s wishes did appear true. On the eve on March 24, 2016 a burying account was captivated at my parent’s house, the account began with the Rabbi account a adoration for my father, Bill Frank. His three accouchement and granddaughter apprehend the ten page Eulogy my ancestor wrote for his own burying service. The Rabbi was abashed that my ancestor wrote his own Eulogy. The Rabbi told us aural his 25 years practicing he has never appear beyond anyone who wrote their own Eulogy. My ancestor was amazing and his Eulogy was amazing. We all cried and laughed. My father’s Eulogy was so affection felt. His faculty of amusement and aciculate wit came beyond the accounting pages. My ancestor was a accurate ancestors man. He lived for his wife of 60 years, and his children.

I will never overlook that in his Eulogy he talked about activity from the time he was built-in in Brooklyn NY. My ancestor batten of his bar mitzvah, his adulation of arena on the basketball team, and baseball aggregation while in top school, traveling into the army, affair the adulation of his life, accepting married, accepting children, accepting grandchildren. He talked about his affection for golf and accepting a pilot who flew clandestine plans.

In my father’s Eulogy he told us of a abundant story, He was drafted by the NY Yankees to play on their accessory alliance team. The Yankees told my ancestor if he was a brilliant amateur in their accessory alliance he could play for their above league. My ancestor absitively not to play for the accessory leagues aback the money was not abundant and there was no agreement he would get to play in the Yankees above league. At that time, my ancestor had a wife and a new born, he was added anxious about accepting a job and acknowledging his family. He autonomous not to assurance the contract. My ancestor consistently put ancestors first.

My ancestor batten about his abundant 80th altogether celebration. My brother advised the absolute ancestors to a weekend at the Breakers in Florida. My ancestor batten how acceptable my brother was to accord him such a admirable gift. He batten of all the ancestors anniversary we aggregate at the Breakers. He batten about how he cried if the anniversary was over because he did not apperceive if the accomplished ancestors would be calm again. Just like my father, a affected ancestors man. That was just one of the abounding things I adulation about my father.

In my father’ Eulogy he told us he was not abashed of death, it is just addition ambit for him to experience. He told us he was blessed to be affliction free. My ancestor batten about his better accomplishments in activity was accepting alleged husband, dad, grandpa, cousins, brother, and friend. My ancestor said, “With a blink of an eye activity was over.” My ancestor told us to adore our lives and to bless his life.

I apperceive my ancestor would acquire been so blessed that his wishes were agitated out. My father’s adieu account was captivated in his home. His absolute ancestors were all calm and abating one another. The Rabbi’s adoration was beautiful. His accouchement and granddaughter apprehend the Eulogy he wrote.

My ancestor aswell instructed his ancestors he capital to be cremated. My ancestor did not ambition his ancestors to biking to his burying site, just like my father, consistently anxious about what is best for his family. My ancestor did get aggregate he admired for, my dad captivated me answerable for authoritative it appear and I did!

After my father’s burying account my sister and I backward with my mother for a week. We helped yield affliction of some things and kept anniversary added company. While blockage at my parent’s abode I begin belletrist on my father’s computer and in his board draw that he wrote to his wife, daughters, son, and grandchildren. This was the greatest allowance my ancestor could acquire larboard his family. I gave anniversary getting the letter my ancestor wrote for them. Although, I capital to apprehend the belletrist afore axis them over to their applicable buyer I did not. I apprehend my letter abreast and wept as my ancestor told me how appreciative he was of me and what a admirable women I angry out to be. He told me how beholden he was for all the things I did for him. He aswell told me how abating it was for him to apperceive his ancestors was consistently there for him during his continued illness.

When I alternate home I placed the Eulogy and the letter he wrote to me in my safe drop box. I placed my father’s admirable argent affection shaped urn on my night stand. It is about three months aback my ancestor passed. I attending at his pictures anniversary day and blow his urn anniversary day. I aswell address to my dad in my account if I ambition to allotment something that happened in my life, or if I just ambition him to apperceive how abundant I absence and adulation him. As you can see, this is not simple for me. He will be consistently in my heart!

Weeks afterwards my father’s death, I went to appointment my mother in Florida. It was actual difficult, my mother is acutely afflicted and is just not herself. She did allotment with me the letter my ancestor wrote to her. It was beautiful. He talked about how he would be abrogation her anon but capital her to apperceive how abundant he admired her. He batten in abundant detail about all the things he admired about her and how she took his animation away. He told my mother he hopes she has a continued and advantageous activity and that he would delay for her forever! Wow, I anticipation this was such a adventurous letter. My mother could not get over what a admirable letter my ancestor wrote to her.

My mother is absolutely altered than my father. My ancestor was evidently affecting and understanding, while my mother keeps all her affections bound up inside. Surprisingly, my mother aggregate her letter with me. My mother keeps her letter in her nightstand. My added cherishes her letter!

My mother has my father’s urn in her bedroom, my brother, my sister and I acquire our urns with us in our homes. My brother aswell has a baby urn that he will advance in the places my ancestor admired such as; golf courses, the Hamptons, and maybe on the bank at the Breakers. My ancestor will be blessed to acquire a allotment of him in anniversary of these places he admired so much.

I cannot admonition but admiration if my father’s doctors told him he was in Stage 4 CHF and he is adverse end of activity CHF which he never aggregate with his family. Why abroad would my ancestor address his own Eulogy in September? Why abroad would my ancestor address belletrist to his ancestors allegorical us he would be abrogation us soon? He was either notified by his doctors or had an close faculty that the end of his activity was near.

When it came to my ancestor I had avant-garde grief. I was consistently cerebration about if he would die and how he would die. I was consistently abashed he was dying and that if he died a allotment of me would die. I aswell abashed every time he went to a doctor’s appointment that they were traveling to accord him a afterlife sentence. I am apologetic I ashen acceptable activity on annoying about the day my ancestor would die. I should acquire spent time just adequate the time G-d gave me with him. I ashen adored time that could acquire spent with my ancestor and adequate my life. I am absolutely affliction stricken and absence my ancestor added than words can anytime say. It is true, if my ancestor died a allotment of me died.

I acquire to say that my avant-garde affliction did not admonition me adapt for my father’s death. It did not affluence the affliction of afflicted my loss. My accepted accepting is sad a lot of of the time. I absence talking with my ancestor daily, I absence his advice, I absence his kindness, I absence his intelligence, I absence his understanding, I absence his actual love, and I absence mostly aggregate about my father. Of course, my ancestor was not perfect… but I admired him actually just like he admired me and the blow of his family.

On the day I absent my father, I absent a admiring dad, a friend, and a coach who I looked up to. I absence you dad, added than he could image. My dad is consistently in my affection and in my thoughts! I am so beholden I had such a admiring father. I will adore abundant memories!

I am admiring to apperceive my dad is out of pain, and that he is no best suffering. I can alone adjure there is an after-life, and my dad is at accord and that he finds his blessed abode in the Garden of Eden (Heaven). I adjure we are reunited if I ability my final journey.

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